I’ve been thinking this question since last year. Yet, it still remains a mystery to me. The third year of college was definitely devastating and messy. After spending seven months in DC, I went back to LA with the false expectation and an overly-optimistic view towards my future. Spending such a long time dreaming about a life that does not belong to me, I found it extremely hard to go back to reality. I was so overwhelmed by the messed up school work, messed up relationships, messed up test results, and the self-doubt. It felt like the crazy night when a tornado attacked an ancient castle, and I was sitting in the middle of shattered porcelain, watching everything fall apart.
I remembered the Thursday before my last LSAT, when I was in CAVA after finishing the third 7-page paper of the week. The girl working there kindly asked me whether I wanted cauliflowers in my salad, and I just burst into tears in front of her. There was nothing wrong with the sweet girl or the overcooked veggie. I cried my heart out because I was so touched by the little kindness in daily life. I used to be such a sentimental person who would shed tears for sunset and the passed time, yet the three-year training in IR has turned me into an analytical machine, which only pays attention to persuasion and argument. I’ve been locked up too long, and I was losing my passion and expectation for happiness and life. I’ve given up on the hope to find true love in the next few years and tried to justify this numbed feeling by my fake passion for rational thinking and ambition to become successful. I hated becoming the soulless individual who keeps letting others down because she has no time to enjoy the beauty of life.
I was only 21 back then. I have a long path to go and how can I continue to lock myself in the lifeless cacoon?
That is why I started the second Instagram account and forced myself to record the little pieces of happiness on a daily basis. At first, I was forced to take pictures of my surroundings, but soon I started to embrace my downside more and more, and the account according became more and more vivid. I am blessed to have my friends and families who love me no matter what, and it is okay to be imperfect.
Not All Right, But It’s Alright
没出息也没关系。
Playlist Global
So I am on my new journey again. Learning how to love others more, and learning how to love myself. Life is always gonna be adventurous, and being an adult is never easy. I still don’t have an answer to how to lifelong find true love and happiness, and I am not even sure whether true love and happiness really exist. But every step on the path of life is precious already, and there is no reason for me to waste the time not enjoying the beauty of the uncertainty in the future.
So keep going, and please keep your eyes and ears open to everything around you. 困苦都是暂时的，成长却是永久的。望与原来的自己，解怨释结，更莫相憎；一别两宽，各生欢喜。
저 수많은 별을 맞기 위해 난 떨어졌던가 hey yeah
BTS: Answer – Love Yourself
저 수천 개 찬란한 화살의 과녁은 나 하나
3518 Trousdale 
We–no matter who you are and where you are from–always have ups and downs in our lives, and it is more likely that the waves we face would become bigger and bigger as we grow. If there is a condition that we cannot escape from this upcoming waves, we have either two options: whether to worry and blame ourselves for being unprepared to confront the waves and then eventually get overwhelmed by those, or to just simply start enjoying the ups and downs that those waves make in our lives. And I believe that everything starts not from lottery or tuhao friends but from every small things, every people we meet on daily basis, and every kindness we show each other at certain moment. So let’s Jiayou and happily move on!
p.s. : I really love the last photo of you smiling with Koya 🙂
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I am so glad to have you by my side for over 1000 days. The world is so gigantic and full of people with various hearts and minds. Yet, we were able to find each other and share our concerns and emotions about society. Every moment that I spent with you becomes the brightest star in the sky of my memories. You’ve shown me the charisma of arts and multiple facets of myself. Every conversation we have is like the path to the unknown future. Although I can’t predict what is gonna happen next, I am not afraid and hesitated because you are always here to support and comfort me. I don’t need to see the entire world. When I am with you, I own the entire world already.
I can’t find words to express my thankfulness to you. Instead, I am borrowing the beautiful stanza from Neruda:
“We have lost even this twilight.
No one saw us this evening hand in hand.
While the blue night dropped on the ground.”
If I am the Moonchild, you are always the sunlight in my life.
우린 서로의 야경, 서로의 달
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I really love your last sentence…! It’s so poetic ❤ !!!
I mean, you don't have to thank me about finding your another self! I did nothing but saw your aspiration to 跳跃, leap, (That's what I would say: your aspiration to move onto higher dimension of the world), and then I just started talking about that. Not many people think this topic interesting (well, at least at Trousdale) unless he or she has that aspiration.
And did you know that I also got so much positive influence from you? I would eventually write on the blog when depression suddenly hits me some day haha (please don't worry I would say it's like a tradeoff of what I have gained at this point),but then I was seriously suffering from trust-related issues and severe depression until I met you. And that is why I like you so much, because your presence itself changed me so much even though I did nothing but seeing what you wanted to be.
I remind of a lyric of Magic Shop:
Did we make it?
(No) I was here
You were the one that made your way to me
I do believe your galaxy
I want to listen to your melody
Your stars in the Milky Way
Don’t forget that I found you anyways
At the end of my despair
You’re the last reason
For me who was standing at the edge of the cliff
Live
加油！
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